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| "Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand."
-Carrie Underwood
I'm okay. I just needed to let all of that mess out.
Yesterday, I wrote the following to myself in my personal journal..."All you can do is wait. This too shall pass. Find a way to remain smiling. You always do. There is nothing wrong with you. You are beautiful. Cherished. Functioning. It's okay to feel pain."
"Chains be broken, lives be healed."- Hillsong UnitedSo I've eaten my words. And the words of those who want to see me with my chin up. They serve as a tonic to the poison in my brain and the bitterness in my heart. I wish I knew why I'm deciding to be ok now rather than earlier. But it doesn't really matter.
All that matters is that I'm still here.
I'm still here.
I'm a fire burning in my own right. There's nothing to worry about.
"Now glory be to God, who by His mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of - infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes."
Ephesians 3:20
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| "Do you get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand...People have stopped being comforting and being alone never was. At least when you're alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn't anyone who won't take 'I don't know' for an answer. You feel the way you do just because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait." - Unknown  | | |
| I'm not going to restrain myself tonight. Here goes everything...
I hate myself. There are certain parts of me that I cherish but I fall asleep most nights feeling my existence is pointless. I will never become anything. I will never offer anyone anything they can use. I'm the epitome of pathetic. My future is bound to be mediocre because I've allowed the world to convince me that my dreams are ridiculous. I do not deserve what I've fabricated for my future. I allow myself to believe I'm an idiot for wanting a career in fashion. Fashion is shallow, meaningless. Why don't I become a teacher or missionary and help people? I'm an idiot for wanting a stable income. Look at my parents. Look at my spending habits. I will never have money. I'm an idiot for wanting a fairytale marriage. I can't even make my current boyfriend happy. My sadness, my insecurity. It irks him. He's always uneasy because he can probably feel the negativity radiating from my body. I try to act happy because I know that, eventually, I will really be happy. But I fail every time. I am too emotional for him. I want to be mature and level-headed and smart and kind. I don't want to be forever "having a moment." I feel so ugly when he looks at me. I want to cover my face with my hands whenever he gives me that look like he knows something is wrong. He's so fantastic to me. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve anyone, the way I am. He always tries to pick through my head. I wish he wouldn't. His theories just make me feel more worthless. I can't look at him when we talk about what goes on in my mind because acknowledging what can only be insanity makes my insides dissolve into each other. I'm nothing. Just a child who's lost in her own head. A head that forbids me to love like I used to, give like I want to, and embrace what I have to in order to function normally. But I know he only means well, he's trying to help. What more could I ask for? And yet, I can't help but feel that he doesn't want to be with me. He's waiting for me to blossom into something better and I'm not so sure I ever will. If I am on my way to flowering, my impatience for this coming-of-age will drive him away before he gets to witness it. I can't be what he wants. I found an email he wrote to his ex-girlfriend that pretty much confirmed this. But it's my fault I have that knowledge. I shouldn't have been snooping around like that. It was shady and hypocritical. Some girlfriend I am. Still, I can't get what he wrote out of my head. It hurts so badly. Why can't I just get over it and believe that I am good enough? That I deserve the best? Why am I so sad? WHY AM I SO FUCKING SAD? I pray to God to help me feel better but I don't think I'm praying hard enough. I don't want to walk this earth the way I do and claim that I believe in a wonderful, loving God. Who I am right now is no worthy example of God's love. Who I am now is a waste of space. I only find comfort in my job and these written words. Too many things make me feel small. I can hardly look at someone else's creation or deed without feeling that I could never offer something of equal meaning to this world. And the worst part is, I don't know how to remedy any of this. I don't know where to begin. I'm terrified of becoming one of those girls in an institution, barely getting by on medication and therapy. All I know how to do is survive. And I don't even know how to do that unless I am leeching off of someone else. I just want to step in front of a bus. Or throw myself against a speeding car on the highway. I am not suicidal. I don't want to die. I want my head to smash into the pavement so I can wake the fuck up. Perhaps then I'll realize that life is a fragile gift that I am wasting away. That I am so much bigger than the issues in my head. That I deserve only the very best. That I can be and do anything I want. I'm tired of suffocating under the weight of my own pain. Pain that doesn't even have a source. I can't even cry about it. No matter how much I want to cry and shake and scream, I can't. I can't even force tears. So now I'm just vomiting everything that's passing through the wavelengths in my brain into this little box that I'll soon publish for the entire world to have access to.
Lord, help me.
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| I know I've said this before but I'll say it again.
My strength never ceases to amaze me.
It's a beautiful thing.
I am a beautiful thing.
"The truth never set me free, so I did it myself."
- Paramore
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| My heart aches. It shouldn't. There is nothing wrong. My heart feels things that my mind can't decipher. The rest of me can't keep up. I don't know how to comfort myself. All I've learned from life tells me this is where God steps in.
It's frustrating that parts of me (my heart, my mind) wander from the structure I'm struggling to keep together. I want to believe these things are a blessing. They make me a more sensitive, understanding human being. I experience so much of life through the parts of me that are detached.
But it hurts.
My insides first burst with emotion and ask questions later. There is no time allowed for me to sort through what's worth my time and what isn't.
I have no idea what I want some days. There's always something new sparking within me. It's beautiful but entirely too exhausting. I live life through my pounding mind and my frantically ticking heart instead of actually absorbing fleeting moments like everyone else I know.
There's a small urge tugging at my senses. It tells me to abandon the life and people I know, hide myself behind dark lipstick, and go by Charlotte. Fabricate a new life and convince the world I am someone other than myself. Maybe then I'll realize what a gem I truly am.
This should not be such an ongoing issue.
I don't know how to be alone anymore. I'm not even sure what I mean by that. But I feel it. It sort of makes me want to cry.
I don't want God to find me on the floor again. Not when I should be standing tall.
"What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful." - The Goo Goo Dolls
It is not who you are that holds you back.
It is who you think you are not.
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