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Name: Kayla
Country: United States
State: Illinois
Metro: Chicago
Birthday: 6/7/1990
Gender: Female


Interests: Being
Expertise: Writing
Occupation: Student
Industry: Arts


Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM: kaylagirlwithpen


Member Since: 7/21/2005

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I Write to Stay Sane
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the art of being
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Christianity... A Relationship, Not a Religion...
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Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Can I Tell You A Story?

I just wrote a pretty lengthy update and then deleted it.

I'm not sure I've ever done so in the five years I've been blogging.

It actually felt kind of good. I write too much nonsense sometimes.

All I really want to say is that I am happy. I am stronger. I make better decisions. I am being myself.

Every day is mine. No one else's.

Today my eyes are clouded in black liner. My ears are swimming in ponds of unfamiliar music. My stomach is filled with mediocre Chinese food.

And I couldn't be more content.

My mind has tugged at me to return to sadness and toxic thinking habits. I turned away. It was hard. Very hard. But I did it. It's a decision I have to continuously make. But I'm doing it.

And I couldn't feel more beautiful.

"Hallelujah, Yes Shua,
Tonight I've become the most dazzling precious
I am treasured over all the earth."
- Flyleaf

These turnarounds come at the most surprising times. On the most average of days.

Here's to other side of self-analysis. The prettier side.



"Refined
I'll become the most dazzling precious treasure
I'll be treasured over all the earth

Bearing the gift of a new heart
Patience ablaze
I'm slowly burning

Refined
I'll become the most dazzling precious treasure
I'll be treasured over all the earth"
- Flyleaf


Monday, November 30, 2009

Flaws Stitched Together With Good Intentions

My mind is a very dangerous place. No doubt. My heart is a chamber pumping pain throughout my body. Of course. My troubled mind and my aching heart control my actions, my life. I've been writing about them so often because they've been consuming me with no justification. There's been too much mind and heart.

There hasn't been enough spirit.


 
I don't know how and I don't know what exactly has changed but I am at peace. I'm ready to stop wallowing and start growing again. Who knows, maybe I'll fall back a few steps again, but right now I don't feel it's possible. All I can do is thank God and those who love me. And keep moving forward. I've got a really good thing going on here in Champaign and I shouldn't take it for granted.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do." - Confucius

Christmas is coming. I hope I actually feel it this year instead of letting it pass me by. Holidays kinda make me uncomfortable nowadays.



Anyways, I feel good.

I am making the decision to feel good.

It isn't even that hard.

  

And she would not be defeated.


Saturday, November 28, 2009

Limbo

I'm not sure how to describe how I feel anymore.



Perhaps I'll be able to spit out some decent words later.


Saturday, November 21, 2009

Beauty From Pain

"The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just feel colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed,
I still will remain
After I've cried my last,
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold, purified through these flames

After all this has passed,
I still will remain
After I've cried my last,
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain

Here I am,
At the end of me
Trying to hold on to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed,
I still will remain
After I've cried my last,
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain."

I press on towards the mark.


Friday, November 20, 2009

What Is This, I Don't Even

I do not want to feel worthless anymore.

I do not want to feel worthless anymore.

I do not want to feel worthless anymore.

I
Do
Not
Want
To
Feel
Worthless
Anymore.



Obsessing over everything I'm not is exhausting. When did I become like this? The possibilities of what I can be are strangling me. Sometimes, I'd rather be a slave to something than have to make a choice. I'm so weak.

I can never be pretty enough, talented enough, or cool enough for my own standards. And I don't think anyone in my life is patient enough to see me through this. I know I'm not. And yet, after midnight, I just want to be alone. Forever. I want to prove to myself and only myself that I can pull through this. And at least then I wouldn't have to worry about making anyone happy. But that would be selfish and I'd gain nothing.

I'm terrified that my potential is withering within me.

I'm so tired. My blog posts are getting redundant.

I don't want to leave this earth with nothing but a collection of my frustrations turned into words.





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