| Whenever I open this blog to update, I want to write about you. So, today, I will.
I have to start with an apology. I'm always apologizing to you but I don't care anymore. I will spend forever apologizing if it means you'll keep me by your side. I know one day I'll grow up enough and love myself enough to minimize the drama I dish at you. I'm sorry if you're convinced I think about myself more than I think about you because nothing could be more false. I just have strange ways of protecting my mind and heart.
I could never thank you enough for all that you've done for me during this brilliant romance we somehow fell into. If I hadn't taken a stab at contacting you that Sunday night in July, who knows where I'd be right now. It sure as hell wouldn't be where I belong. Because after all the doubt I had to crawl through, all the conflict I dragged you into, it's clear to me that this is where I belong. Right now, Champaign is where I need to be. With you. And Stormie. In this four bedroom apartment with Adam, and Vic, and even Bianca. In this L-shaped bedroom with the big chicken and the white Christmas lights. I know this when I sit in my former room at my grandma's, when I go into work, when we go to sleep and you envelope me with your limbs. When you make me laugh after a bad day, cook me dinner, kiss my forehead. When I feel your breath on the back of my neck or your hands anywhere on my body.
I could go on and on.
There's been a lot of petty messiness between us. Some of it too deep to explore anymore. Being in love is just the same as being easily offended. Yes, my insides burn whenever you turn away from me, physically and emotionally. I hate to admit it but I think you feel it too. And I get upset when I detect even the tiniest bit of distance between us.
But, at the end of the day, I just want to make you happy. And take care of you. See you succeed. Help you succeed. Support you. Defend you. Laugh with you. See the country, world, and the stars with you.
I just want to love you.
So please forgive me if I ever seem too sensitive. I've never wanted mutual happiness this badly. I'm still learning how to achieve it.
I think we are genius together. You are my proof that God listens, that He has great plans for me.
I want to be your proof.
"The earth that is the space between,
I'd banish it from under me
To get to you.
Your unexpected love provides my solitary's suicide."
- Sara Bareilles
"What I know is that I can trust his eyes because what lives in them, lives in me." - A Million Little Pieces
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| I am too stubborn for my own liking.
 But I guess that's one of the things that makes me me, right?
I don't really know sometimes.
However, I do know that I like my way.
Usually.
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| There isn't much else to do.
That's life, right?
Watch the rain sprinkle the pavement outside.
Salvage warm feelings while pressing fingertips against a cold window.
Hope tomorrow is better.
That's all I can do for today.
 "What matters most is how well you walk through the fire." - Charles Bukowski |
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| I just wrote a pretty lengthy update and then deleted it.
I'm not sure I've ever done so in the five years I've been blogging.
It actually felt kind of good. I write too much nonsense sometimes.
All I really want to say is that I am happy. I am stronger. I make better decisions. I am being myself.
Every day is mine. No one else's.
Today my eyes are clouded in black liner. My ears are swimming in ponds of unfamiliar music. My stomach is filled with mediocre Chinese food.
And I couldn't be more content.
My mind has tugged at me to return to sadness and toxic thinking habits. I turned away. It was hard. Very hard. But I did it. It's a decision I have to continuously make. But I'm doing it.
And I couldn't feel more beautiful.
"Hallelujah, Yes Shua,Tonight I've become the most dazzling precious I am treasured over all the earth."- Flyleaf These turnarounds come at the most surprising times. On the most average of days. Here's to other side of self-analysis. The prettier side. "Refined
I'll become the most dazzling precious treasure
I'll be treasured over all the earth
Bearing the gift of a new heart
Patience ablaze
I'm slowly burning
Refined
I'll become the most dazzling precious treasure
I'll be treasured over all the earth"
- Flyleaf
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| My mind is a very dangerous place. No doubt. My heart is a chamber pumping pain throughout my body. Of course. My troubled mind and my aching heart control my actions, my life. I've been writing about them so often because they've been consuming me with no justification. There's been too much mind and heart.
There hasn't been enough spirit.
I don't know how and I don't know what exactly has changed but I am at peace. I'm ready to stop wallowing and start growing again. Who knows, maybe I'll fall back a few steps again, but right now I don't feel it's possible. All I can do is thank God and those who love me. And keep moving forward. I've got a really good thing going on here in Champaign and I shouldn't take it for granted.
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do." - Confucius
Christmas is coming. I hope I actually feel it this year instead of letting it pass me by. Holidays kinda make me uncomfortable nowadays.
Anyways, I feel good.
I am making the decision to feel good.
It isn't even that hard.
 And she would not be defeated. |
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