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| "Where can you run to escape from yourself?"- SwitchfootI was supposed to leave to Chicago for a few days tonight but I decided to go tomorrow night instead. I realized my reason for leaving is silly. I thought I needed to get out of Champaign, needed to get away from Tom and this apartment, as if these things are suffocating me, when really they are the things keeping me alive. I'm just running away from me. I know this is the time of year I start to shut down and begin to "coast." It's the middle of winter and this is always the cue for me to enter a zombie-like state. I thought going to Chicago for a little while would help me stall this but I know now I'll just be missing Champaign the entire time I'm there. All I can do to avoid this Seasonal Affective Disorder is try my best to stay awake. Ignore the fact that more snow is falling. Snow is fickle, it melts almost as soon as it begins to stick. Ignore the cold air. The tempertaures are slowly rising. I'm sort of dreading this trip now. I don't want to venture out in the cold and sit on a bus for three hours, there and back. But I've already made the plans so I might as well go. Maybe it will make me feel better. Valentine's Day is Tom's birthday. I have no big plans laid out (and it's unfortunately a mandatory work day) but I'm excited to celebrate with him. The weekend after this one we'll make a trip to Chicago together and then after that, I'll just be looking forward to March. I've been listening to Sara Bareilles a lot lately. I discovered her two winters ago and I don't think I'll ever stop loving her music. It's the perfect winter remedy. I'm in the mood for tea now. "Sleep in this haven; the King holds your favor with love much greater than you dreamed."
- Flyleaf
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| "5. Stop underestimating yourself. God chose to live inside you. That means you are valuable to Him. Believe in yourself. You have treasure. You have talent. You have greatness in you. You were born to get ahead."My mom signed me up for this "40 Days of Fasting From Wrong Thinking" thing so every day I get emails from a church organization. Each day is a new statement to block from your mind with 6 bullet-points to consider. Yesterday's was "will I ever get ahead?" The bullet-point up there really hit home. So I thought I'd post it. These emails are actually really helping right now. Once again, impeccable timing from my mother. Today has been a good day so far. I went to sleep last night and woke up this morning feeling kinda sick. Sore throat, achy body. But after a Project Runway re-run and some green tea, I found the energy to clean up the apartment like I usually do on Thursdays. I planned a small trip to Chicago next week and did some research for the next tattoo I want. Tom's homecoming is always my favorite part of the day, especially when he immediately pulls me into a hug and tells me he missed me. It's so dreary outside but life is grand in this apartment. That's what I'll focus on tonight. Happy Thursday. | | |
| I'm so silly sometimes.
"Don't you realize that it is God's loving kindness that is trying to lead you to Him and change the way you think and act?" - Romans 2:4
My life is just a series of dramatic episodes it seems. Ups and downs. Back and forths. Will I ever learn?
After a crummy week of tears over things I haven't been willing to face in the past for the sake of being strong, I am now in the process of healing. I'm fragile and sensitive but slowly finding my footing. I had a good day yesterday. Despite the cold, the sun was shining and the sky was a solid blue. I went to work earlier than I usually do on Sundays and did everything to the best of my ability, instead of ignoring my responsibilities like I sometimes do when I realize how soul-crushing a retail job can be. Of course, after that, the rest of the day was spent with Tom and, by the time midnight rolled around, I was so tired, I fell asleep peacefully. I too often think myself to sleep. It was a nice change of pace.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to spend the rest of my life having a series of bad days just so I can appreciate one good day. I guess I'm willing to accept that but it's not what I want. I want my good days to outweigh my bad ones. I hope that's not asking too much.
Maybe one day I'll look back at all of these posts and chuckle at how much nonsense filled my mind.
"Less human, more being." I read that somewhere. I really like it right now.
I'm beginning to find myself in the inevitable winter rut. It's not as bad as usual because this time around I have someone to spend time with and laugh with, someone to hold my head up when I can't do it myself. Even still, I feel it. I feel the lack of motivation, the unnecessary bitterness. The headaches and the lazy limbs. I already know that the best thing to do right now is go through the motions of a set routine and look forward to the future. Spring always comes back. Before I know it, the snow will be gone and the green on trees will stand out again.
I should write about something before I lose grasp of it. I've decided that when I go back to Chicago, I'll continue to take classes at Harold Washington and work towards an associate in arts degree with a concentration in English. I'd much rather focus on other things in my life than stress over an expensive school that might not even make a difference. None of the careers I've considered entering require any sort of degree so I don't want to waste too much effort on higher education. I hope this doesn't sound like some sort of cop-out because I feel like it's the smartest thing I can do. I enjoyed my time at Harold Washington so I might as well stick with it and do what I can for myself without wasting too much money that could go to other things. If a better opportunity comes up, I'll take it but, for now, this is my plan and I feel confident about it.
It's February now. A short month. Here's to more good days until spring blossoms again.
To Do
- Finish Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass. Start Youth in Revolt.
- Stop buying summer clothes. (Dammit, clothing stores! Summer is a long ways off).
- Learn to put plaits in my hair.
- Keep things organized.
- Look for some sort of scholarship(s).
- Eat better.
- Help Tom with whatever I can.
- Do more research on careers I've considered.
- Write.
- Work on banishing negative thoughts.
Gotta stay busy. You know, you know.
"Only the gentle are ever really strong." - James Dean
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| Well, I feel a bit of a relapse coming on.
Geez, I need someone to talk to. Someone who understands what it's like to feel so unfuckingbelievably ugly and worthless.
Reach out to me now, please.
Tell me why I cannot see past my flaws for the life of me. Why I am so convinced that nothing will ever make me feel special because I am not special. There is nothing special about me. I have no strengths, no talents, no beauty. I am mediocre, pathetically average.
Tell me why I'm always more aware of the other side. I cannot be thin without being eternally accused of anorexia. Without being constantly reminded that men only desire full breasts, firm asses, and whatnot. I cannot be elegant without seeming snobby and pretentious. Without fearing that I am outshining someone else. I cannot feel sexy without realizing how awkward I am, how young I am. I cannot feel cute or pretty without feeling naive and dumb. I cannot be wonderfully odd without being fucking insane and unbalanced. I cannot be quirky without being painfully misunderstood.
I cannot be smart without knowing that I actually don't know anything. I cannot be a writer without knowing that I'm a shit, inexperienced writer.
I cannot be a good lover because I have nothing to offer. My body is ugly, my face is too out-of-place. I am not smart enough to keep up with him. Not cool enough to go out in public with him. Not sane enough to keep him happy. All I can think about is how much he must want someone else. There has to be some girl out there he'd rather be with.
He is not thinking of me when we're apart or, most of all, when we're close.
Why should he, my mind tells me.
I am nothing but ragdoll limbs, knobby joints, and a heavy heart. I am nobody.
He blames himself for my unhappiness and I don't know how else to explain that I am only crushing myself.
I'm driving myself crazy because I'm the only one who sees how ugly I am and I feel no one else will be as honest about it as I am.
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| When I catch the slightest bit of unhappiness from you, my heart swells and threatens to split within me. It doesn't matter if you are opening up to me about your darkness or just having a gloomy day. Your pain is my pain.
You go so out of your way every day to make me happy. So I will do my very best not to be mopey and whiney and immature. Instead of being unjustifiably sad, I want to be unjustifiably happy. For you. Even when the weather is shit and my job is shit and my mind is shit, I want to find a way to be happy because you deserve nothing less than cheer in this sometimes mundane and stressful life you're caught in right now.
Yesterday I bought you a collection of Grimm's Fairy Tales because I thought you'd like it and because I think fairy tales can be quite healthy for the soul.
And because I want you to know that you are my fairy tale. My Prince Charming, knight in shining armor, Mr. Right. I really don't care how cliche that sounds.
Let's continue to be bold, alley cat. We'll conquer whatever, whenever. Together.
"Fairy tales are more than true. Not only because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated."- G.K. Chesterton
Now, I'm off to wake you up, sleepyhead.
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