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| SabotageThe following was written in my personal journal on September 30, 2008 at 2:53pm.
Quirkyalone
I am a "militant romantic."
A person who holds out for the ideals in love, even when society at large says they do not exist.
I've been called picky in the past. And it's true. I have high standards.
I have a solid sense of independence but I'm also very much obsessed with the notion of true love. It's a pretty strange place to be.
I live in the future, creating it in my mind as I float through the present. I can be extremely optimistic and I enjoy certain forms of melancholy.
Sometimes I am deeply single and other times I find myself revved with flirtatious energy.
I believe in marriage. I believe that sex and love should always go together. I believe in genuine happiness, whether it be alone or shared with a significant other. But I don't believe in settling.
All of this should offer me a well-balanced romantic experience, even while I'm single.
So why do I feel like I'm constantly sabotaging my love life?
--- I'm still at the place I was when I wrote this. I still spend most of my day obsessing over my non-existent love life. I know why I'm single. I'm single because I'm entirely too picky. Because I lack the motivation and resources to go out and meet new people. Because I've got a boy who I don't want in a romantic way but can't let go of. And possibly because I don't put myself out there sexually and blablabla. My singleness is a result of my own shortcomings (except for maybe the sex thing). I've come to terms with that but I still don't know how to reverse this want. I don't know how to dismiss this one desire that uses up most of the time my brain functions during the day. It's pretty pathetic.
But, then, I kinda like being pathetic. I like being me. I don't mind getting out more and being more welcome to some guys who deserve a chance. I don't mind working on it. In the meantime, I'll just keep doing what I do. All of this sabotage is simply shaping what is to be.
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| I Will Forget I Have A Home"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who come alive." - Howard Thurman
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| Fire EscapeToday, I start again.
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| .....I feel like vomiting.
My faith will wash down and merge with the rest of the sewage, as if it was never really all that important.
I thought I was stronger.
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| Dear You,I want you to know that I am now searching. I'm preparing myself for all the trial and error that comes with this search. I've reviewed rules from He's Just Not That Into You and planned plenty of summery, feminine outfits. I'm nervous, yeah, but I'm ready to meet you.
Please know that I will not respond to just any introduction (because I stopped answering to "Hey [enter completely unoriginal adjective-turned-name-for-female here]!" a long time ago). Also, I do not plan on meeting you at a nightclub, party, or, heaven forbid, Facebook. I think we deserve a better story than all that.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm incredibly picky. I do not plan on lowering my standards for thrills with some guy who will probably pass before the end of August. I will not settle. This is a mission I'm on, not a game for you to play with me. You may shrug me off before even learning my name, but that's ok. You're not the right one and I have faith the right one will find the courage to stick around and I will return the favor.
Anyways, it's important that I find someone with matching values. Just like my standards, I will not compromise my beliefs for a shot at love. I want you to faithfully know God. I'm not asking you to be a rigid church-goer who follows rules more than his heart. I want you to be corrupted. In fact, I wouldn't mind at all if your life has been a little bit fucked-up because I love scars and I want someone to comfort. Either way, God is important to me so it's only natural for me to want the same for you.
I'd much prefer you to be an artist, simply because I think then we'd have similar interests/plans for life and I'm not sure how supportive I'd be if you were always rambling about business or medicine or whatnot. However, the last thing I want is a pretentious artist with a know-it-all, diva complex.
I'd hope for you to be bookish, capable of living on your own, and really fucking funny. You should be comfortable with tattoos and piercings, maybe have a few of your own. And it'd be cool if you appreciated fashion in some way, although I'm not sure I'd want you to be obsessed with clothes and your appearance. I kinda like it when guys don't really care.
One thing I won't stand for is clingy-ness. Of course, like most girls, I want you to be sensitive. But I don't want you to be dramatic. As a good friend of mine puts it, "I already have a pussy, I don't need another one." I don't ever want to ask myself who the girl in the relationship is. I don't want a guy who constantly whines for my attention and follows my every move. And I don't want a guy telling me where to go, who to see, and what to wear because he doesn't trust me. I'm not asking you to be a perfect specimen of "emotionally stable" but I'd like you to be secure.
There's also a nice list of things I'd like you to understand about me. Firstly, I don't smoke, drink, or party. I don't mind if you do/did, but I won't let you pressure me into anything I'm not comfortable with. And I'm a firm believer in abstinence. (If you're walking away right now, then good riddance). Secondly, I'm not the most sought after, physically. Don't get me wrong, I'm gorgeous and I have a nice figure, but I can be the most awkward little thing. I haven't come to terms with my petite curves and I sure as hell don't know how to use them. I don't know how to grind my hips, toss my hair, or even walk like a desirable woman would. I'm working on it, but don't expect perfection any time soon, or ever. Oh, and I'm often mistaken for being 15 (sometimes younger). Your hands, being masculine, will most likely swallow my teeny-tiny breasts during any sort of heavy petting....but it's really much too soon to talk about any of that.
I need you to understand that I don't always understand my own moods, that I'm very spacey, and that I often speak without thinking or go for hours without speaking at all. Although I'm seeking romantic camaraderie, I also very much need my own space and you have to be okay with that. Also important is understanding my silence.
I'm not necessarily looking for you to take me out to dinner every night, hold my hand at the mall, or kiss me in a dark theater. Those things are all nice but I've grown enough to want more. I want someone to escape with, go on adventures with, take silly pictures with, be my partner-in-crime. This is a fantastic city - a fantastic world - and I'm tired of experiencing it alone.
I want someone to grow with. Someone to shine with.
So, if you can handle all that, here I am. Yours for the taking.
Ready. Set. Go.
With love,
Me
"I gotta get myself together. Gotta stop telling myself I can do no better. Gotta go out and maybe start meeting some new people. I gotta go out and buy myself one of those little black dresses. 'Cos I'm so tired of this t-shirt. I'm so tired of crying off all my makeup. Getting just so tired of waking up with a lonely heart."
- Diane Birch
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