| I just wrote a pretty lengthy update and then deleted it.
I'm not sure I've ever done so in the five years I've been blogging.
It actually felt kind of good. I write too much nonsense sometimes.
All I really want to say is that I am happy. I am stronger. I make better decisions. I am being myself.
Every day is mine. No one else's.
Today my eyes are clouded in black liner. My ears are swimming in ponds of unfamiliar music. My stomach is filled with mediocre Chinese food.
And I couldn't be more content.
My mind has tugged at me to return to sadness and toxic thinking habits. I turned away. It was hard. Very hard. But I did it. It's a decision I have to continuously make. But I'm doing it.
And I couldn't feel more beautiful.
"Hallelujah, Yes Shua,Tonight I've become the most dazzling precious I am treasured over all the earth."- Flyleaf These turnarounds come at the most surprising times. On the most average of days. Here's to other side of self-analysis. The prettier side. "Refined
I'll become the most dazzling precious treasure
I'll be treasured over all the earth
Bearing the gift of a new heart
Patience ablaze
I'm slowly burning
Refined
I'll become the most dazzling precious treasure
I'll be treasured over all the earth"
- Flyleaf
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| My mind is a very dangerous place. No doubt. My heart is a chamber pumping pain throughout my body. Of course. My troubled mind and my aching heart control my actions, my life. I've been writing about them so often because they've been consuming me with no justification. There's been too much mind and heart.
There hasn't been enough spirit.
I don't know how and I don't know what exactly has changed but I am at peace. I'm ready to stop wallowing and start growing again. Who knows, maybe I'll fall back a few steps again, but right now I don't feel it's possible. All I can do is thank God and those who love me. And keep moving forward. I've got a really good thing going on here in Champaign and I shouldn't take it for granted.
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do." - Confucius
Christmas is coming. I hope I actually feel it this year instead of letting it pass me by. Holidays kinda make me uncomfortable nowadays.
Anyways, I feel good.
I am making the decision to feel good.
It isn't even that hard.
 And she would not be defeated. |
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| I'm not sure how to describe how I feel anymore.
Perhaps I'll be able to spit out some decent words later.
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| "The lights go out all around meOne last candle to keep out the nightAnd then the darkness surrounds meI know I'm alive but I feel like I've diedAnd all that's left is to accept that it's overMy dreams ran like sand through the fists that I madeI try to keep warm but I just feel colderI feel like I'm slipping awayAfter all this has passed,I still will remainAfter I've cried my last,There'll be beauty from painThough it won't be today,Someday I'll hope againAnd there'll be beauty from painMy whole world is the pain inside meThe best I can do is just get through the dayWhen life before is only a memoryI wonder why God lets me walk through this placeAnd though I can't understand why this happenedI know that I will when I look back somedayAnd see how You've brought beauty from ashesAnd made me as gold, purified through these flamesAfter all this has passed,I still will remainAfter I've cried my last,There'll be beauty from painThough it won't be today,Someday I'll hope againAnd there'll be beauty from painHere I am,At the end of meTrying to hold on to what I can't seeI forgot how to hopeThis night's been so longI cling to Your promiseThere will be a dawnAfter all this has passed,I still will remainAfter I've cried my last,There'll be beauty from painThough it won't be today,Someday I'll hope againAnd there'll be beauty from painYou will bring beauty from my pain."I press on towards the mark.
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| I do not want to feel worthless anymore.
I do not want to feel worthless anymore.
I do not want to feel worthless anymore.
I
Do
Not
Want
To
Feel
Worthless
Anymore.
Obsessing over everything I'm not is exhausting. When did I become like this? The possibilities of what I can be are strangling me. Sometimes, I'd rather be a slave to something than have to make a choice. I'm so weak.
I can never be pretty enough, talented enough, or cool enough for my own standards. And I don't think anyone in my life is patient enough to see me through this. I know I'm not. And yet, after midnight, I just want to be alone. Forever. I want to prove to myself and only myself that I can pull through this. And at least then I wouldn't have to worry about making anyone happy. But that would be selfish and I'd gain nothing.
I'm terrified that my potential is withering within me.
I'm so tired. My blog posts are getting redundant.
I don't want to leave this earth with nothing but a collection of my frustrations turned into words.
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